Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
