WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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