matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
