I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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