who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
