There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
