I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
