I accidentally burped into my bong.
Small penises have feelings too.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
