Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
