I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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