You're earring is so big in my mouth
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
