the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
