the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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