After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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