I wish I could punch you in the face.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
