she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
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This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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