I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
