wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
