everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
