Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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