I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
