Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
