you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
