I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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