At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
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She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
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you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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