You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
