shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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