sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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