I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
