So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
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I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
FUCK WHALES
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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