I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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