you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
