i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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