i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
