just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
