In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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