When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
