She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
