was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
