my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Randomize
