I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
