He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
