the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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