Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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