pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
