No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.