i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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