I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
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Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.