Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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