Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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