I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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