I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
