You're a womanizer and a bitch.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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