I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
