it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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