I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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