dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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