the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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