If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
