worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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