I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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