the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
