Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
