i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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