my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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