Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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