I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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