dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
